Hand to Mouth
All i really wanted to do was hook my ipod up to some small speakers so i could watch youtube videos without being tethered to headphones. I failed. I had about 12 different adapters and plugs and none of them would connect or work with my computer speakers. Bad luck - thats what it is.
I've had a lot of bad luck lately. You could say i'm lucky to have what i have, in spite of all my terrible problems, but it doesnt change that i have lost so very much, due to trusting people. This has always been my fault - to trust others too much.
Its my nature to trust.
The truth is, when people need something from you, they tell a good story and they put on a good act, and they even concince themselves of their own worthiness or your trust. But when you are the one in need, and you dont lie and put on a front, then you become a repulsive leper and noone will touch you or help you - why because they are afraid they will fall down with you, and in many cases this is true.
But I've lost it all, due to trusting people, over and over until the very last things i held dear were destroyed. I can't live a life without trust. this would mean i would have no heart.
I have no heart.
It's happened. I no longer trust anyone. I dont expect anything from anyone. I dont love anyone. I dont have any hopes for anyone. I dont have faith in the human race. I dont have faith in any gods. I dont have faith in my parents, or any so called friends. Because they have all collectively been my ruin. yes i am smarter now, but my spirit is destroyed.
I have a lot of talents, all wasted. When you have no spirit, you have nothing.
I'm not emo, i dont think its attractive to be a failure. I am a writer. I write about what i know. End of story.
I will always be at odds with my world and with my culture. Until it makes sense to me. When I am wrong, i rejoice to have learned something new.
Noone can tell me otherwise or convince me that this life is not a scam.
However in other news. In spite of my heavy weight on my shoulders every day, i intend to move ahead. I have a strong sense of integrity and value my time. I will crawl forward if its all i can do. I refuse to sit and die. It just hurts and its so hard to start over with nothing. again and again. because i wont go to sleep and buy into the american dream.