Friday, October 17, 2008


if you cant beat them, join them

i have a recurring roach. he/she climbs out around this time. she just crawls up the wall and over my computer desk, under the hanging hats and hammer and whisk broom, and down the other side until she goes out of my view.

i'd be crushed if i ever crushed her.

i get really sad when i hurt insects. i treat them equal with all animals. i get depressed, i cry, i hold them and bury them, and if i was the one to kill them, i feel terrible for at least 15 minutes. about the same i would for a human or a dog.

but i always feel better, when i see the little ants come and carry away to the roach wings, legs and eyeballs, because i see all the positive energy going into the other life.

there's my little roach again. shes feisty tonight. i think its the cooler dryer temperature outside tonight. shes happy and alert tonight. i think shes probably getting to know my vibe better as well. shes comfortable with me. shes playing and having fun. she stays right here where i am. shes my little guardian - i always check under my feet if i have to move my shoes around.

I dont know why roaches crawl on the walls, but we have to remember that roaches are not just about one thing but they have many goals and instincts. they have to eat, hide, and have sex. they have to learn their environment, and where its safe, and they have to clean their little feet and antennae. They do a lot of stuff.

i sometime looks very closely and observe roaches as they walk around on my food and plates that i serve my guests with. they turn their head gracefully as they observe and carefully discern their changing surroundings. They delicately move their body with razor accuracy and precision with everything they do. I watch them when they are at rest, and when they are active. I always tell my over night guests do not kill my insects or my reptiles.

yes i have reptiles running free in my house. I feel like god because altho i could intervein, i try not to. the reptiles eat the roaches if possible. As much as i love roaches, i love all the other animals equally. but if i wanted to save a favorite roach, i might, perhaps i would,

all things have an end and just how they end makes up part of the whole existance of an animals life. if i help an animal live, that animal might go and do something terrible and then it would be me who dishonored nature, but i am a part of nature and not so far above it that im detached, but is compassion truely good? is compassion a malfunction, or is it meant as a survival tool that we use to carry on our species?

sometimes roaches get caught on all the duct tape i have laying around from my lighting gear. i gently pour warm soapy water on the tape and then help move the hook like talons from the tape until the roach is free. then i watch the roach run away.

its a loving relationship but sometimes roaches just get too hyper and out of hand and they piss me off. when they fly it makes me so upset sometimes that i have to throw something at them, or just leave until they settle down. i think they fly because they are horny.

i dont want to encourage overpopulation of roaches in my house. thats why i try and clean up the grocery remnants when i can. i leave out just enough to feed my roaches. i keep the windows and door shut most of the time. but sometimes critters find their way in, and once they are in, i have to take care of them. but sometimes lizards and geckos get in. they may or may not survive in here. I have found at least 2 dead lizards.

i ate a roach the other day. it was in my coffee. i thought it was maybe a piece of food that was stuck in my teeth from earlier. i dont remember how i knew it was a roach, maybe because i spit it out and looked at it, or because there were more in my coffee. i leave my coffee sitting around sometimes.

i dont like eating roaches, but i once put about 20 lady bugs in my mouth and let them crawl around on my toung and lips while someone took video of it. i used to do anything to fit in, but was i really fitting in? no. i am incapable of fitting in anywhere.

I have always loved nature, but i do get creeped out by large insects. i get totally screechy i scream and run and cry like a little girl.

i remember catching crickets when i was younger and i showed my friend and he screamed and started crying. it was at a track meet. my brothers were into sports and i was not, so i would crawl around the bleechers the whole time - sometimes i found money, sometimes bugs apparently.

sometimes if i find sick insects i try to help them. i found a geriatric butterfly once and kept it in a little glass box and fed it sugar water. it learned my voice when i would approach and it would untwirl its tounge and get ready to drink the sugar water i used to hand feed it.

thats insects. ive had a lot of things happen with animals. you dont realize just how much we sepparate ourselves from animals every day. domesticated animals do not represent all animals. domesticated animals are crippled freaks of nature, just like white people.